Build it up, just to tear it down

A decision has been made and as usual when it comes to me and my decisions it all happen really fast. This will be the third time in my life where I’m leaving my current life with all it’s belongings behind to move on to a different place.
It is time for me to take the turn needed to move forward to my goals.

It is really painful to do something like this, specially when you’ve met people you will keep close to your heart for the rest of your life. But I have learned a lot by this experience.
First of all, people close to you, or ones who once were close to you, they tend to stay there. If you build a strong friendship bond it will last no matter the distance. And even 5 years later with little to no contact, you can pick up that bond again. If that is what you want to do of course.

Secondly, material stuff means next to nothing to me anymore. Yes, its nice with a comfy bed and a good gaming computer. Pretty wall art and good storage solutions. But in the end, it wont matter anyway.
Imagine all your belongings, everything from kitchen utensils to your TV, clothes and your car. Could you leave it all behind and just pack one bag with the necessary stuff you need to survive in a normal daily life? I know it sounds scary, but it is a very freeing feeling. And I know not everyone has the opportunity to live that way. Responsibility towards other people, kids and other situations might be in your way.
But we all choose the way we want to live and the most important thing for me in my life, the thing i value the highest, is my freedom.

Thirdly, when it comes to freedom you need a pretty secure safety net. Because freedom isn’t about being free from all the material things and be able to travel and live in different places. Altho that is a pretty awesome feeling, it is only a part of what makes freedom.
Imagine yourself arriving in a different country, you might have been there before to visit, but this time you are there to find a place to live and work for a while.
Do you know anyone in that country? No.
Do you already have a job lined up? No.
Do you have plane tickets to go back where you came from? No.

That is a quite common situation I would have thought if you travel by yourself.
And that’s all good, it can be sorted. Do research, find a hostel, ask around for jobs, make sure you have a healthy budget.
But here is my point, imagine if you have nowhere to go back to. If you have no one to reach out to for help if shit doesn’t go your way. You were all alone.
Would you still feel the freedom? Or would you panic and worry about your future?
I know what I would do and that’s why a secure safety net is very important.
I have a handful of people spread across Europe that I know 100% would be there for me. And it is thanks to these people I can live the way I do, I will never be able to thank them enough.

Next destination: Sweden 

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Music

It is amazing what music can do for you, what it can make you feel.
Music is very important to me and it always has been.
When I get the question “What music do you listen to?” I tend to struggle.
I listen to a lot of different types of music but my preferred  genre is Rock/Metal.
But there’s days when I listen to Avicii and other days when I listen to Nordman. (Swedish folkband)
It is all depending on the day and what I’m doing but I like all the music I listen to and I really don’t think there’s any reason to put yourself in a folder and say “This is who I am so this is the music I listen to”

Why would you want to limit yourself like that? Just because you “look like a certain way” doesn’t mean you have to follow the stream and listen to the music that fits your look.
If that makes sense…
I often get told that I’m into Rock/Metal, only because the way I look so when I tell people that my favorite band is a Swedish folkband I get surprised looks.
Work colleague: “I doubt I’d like the music you listen you”
Me: “Ah, so you don’t like Avicii?”
Jaw dropped “Ehm, yes I do like Avicii.”

There you go then!
To be fair, I only say that to prove a point. I do prefer Rock/Metal most days but I just don’t want people to assume that they know me when they don’t.

 

 

 

Self-doubt

To be the bigger person in all situations can sometimes be quite difficult.
When you are going trough something that involves others and you’re doing you best not to sink down to their level, doing your best to be the bigger person and then you find yourself being broken.
Remind yourself why, remind yourself that it is not worth the pain or the time.
Difficult indeed..

I struggle to understand why it’s necessary to make an already bad situation even worse for no reason at all. If things can be left on a good note, well as good as it could be, why then keep pushing and flip things around even though its already been solved.
Attention? Unable to let go? Or just the need to feel a tiny bit better about yourself even though you know you’ve lost.

I will just leave it at that.

No matter what people say or think about you it should never change who you are.
It doesn’t matter what others think, it doesn’t matter what others say.
The only thing that matters is you. What you think about yourself, what you say about yourself. Think about it, really think about it. Why would others opinions about you matter? Even the slightest?

It doesn’t.

 

Smokin’

There has been many attempts by the industry to make people addictive to nicotine to stop. Sky rise prices, taxes, rules, text and pic’s on the package and now, completely black packaging with a text and a nasty pic.
None of this would even make me get the thought of stopping. I know it’s bad for you, I know what it does to your body and I know it’s a stupid place to put my hard earned money. I’m still doing it for reasons you wouldn’t understand unless you smoke yourself.

But it has come to a point now with the black packaging and nasty pic’s of people going blind, with a hole in their throat or are under a operation of some sort where I just had enough. This wont make me stop but I believe in the power of our mind and whatever image we put there will come our way. And lets say I smoke ten cigarettes a day, I’ll see this nasty pic ten times in one day. And the next day, and the next day..
Continuously until I, with my own mind, made it reality.

Are you going to put pic’s on alcoholic bottles showing people fighting, losing their job or being homeless?
Or why not pic’s on anything containing sugar showing obesity and all the damage that does inside your body?
Just because it could happen..

List could go on.. But I’m just fed up. The only thing these pic’s and black packaging done to me is that it made me buy a fancy cigarette case to have instead. Because I don’t want to place an image in my head that someone else forced me to see, it’s stupidity.

 

Madness

Fall in love with the person who enjoys your madness,
not the one who forces you to be normal.

When it comes to having a partner in my life I have never really been interested. I have always been in line with the thought that I’d spend my life alone.
With friends around me of course but no partner. There’s many reason for this, one of them I believe is the fact that I don’t want to have any kids. Again, I’ve never wanted any and been told over and over again that I will change my mind when I get older. Why they felt that way and had a need to try to convince me, I have no idea, but for what I have planned for my life and lifestyle, having kids are not included. And to be completely honest, I don’t like them, nothing about them. This bothers people..

I’m 27 years old and I’d say I’ve had 4 relationships, including “my first real boyfriend” type relationship being one of them. I was 13 and it lasted for a year so that’s a fair enough time for that age for it to be included. Second one I was 19, third one I was 22 and fourth one being my current one.
Thoughts..? Yeah, if you never been interested in a relationship how come you been involved in 4 of them and are in one right now?
Well, you can’t always control who walks into your life and when you get the attention and interest from someone, it makes you curious. And once you explained your madness, ensured you’re not dangerous but damaged and that someone continues to show interest you get a glimpse of hope. Hope for something you never wanted in the first place but that’s what feelings does to you. Of course I don’t regret my choices, it only proved what I knew from the beginning.

Fall in love with the person who enjoys your madness,
not the one who forces you to be normal.

Social phobia (Social anxiety disorder)

I don’t like labels, even though I’m a typical and slightly extreme case in this matter, I still don’t like going around saying that it is social phobia that holds me back.
All the questions that comes with it just doesn’t make it worth to mention.
I don’t like people, I have a fear of people and social situations where I’m forced to interact with people.
Would I tell anyone that I have arachnophobia I wouldn’t be questioned, fair enough it’s more common as far as we know. But it has been so many times I’ve been ridiculed and dismissed due to lack of knowledge.
Why does it makes sense to have a fear of spiders but doesn’t to have a fear of people and social situations?

The best part about this is that I can not avoid my fear and stay happy that way. I can not avoid people and social situations for the rest of my life and I’ve been told that it wouldn’t be a smart idea if I killed my fears as if it was a spider. How tempting it is..

It’s a battle every day, going to work, going shopping and just going outside in general.
It’s the only way to make some progress, there was a time in my life where I was unable to leave my house, couldn’t even go to the local shop and buy some milk. I couldn’t work, go to school or be outside and interact with people in any way.
It’s been a little bit over 10 years since then and major progress has been done.
Medication..? Yeah…No. There is probably some out there that find it really helpful but I just don’t believe in it. To suppress ones emotions, ones really strong and powerful emotions, is just not a good idea. It has to come out eventually, one way or another.
I believe in letting myself feel whatever I need to feel at the moment and then leave it at that.

Social phobia, I am a typical and slightly extreme case but I don’t like labels, most would just see me as weird and slightly rude and that’s a hell lot easier to explain.

 

Dressing up for alcohol

The thought crossed my mind, mainly when I’m out in town during a weekend night, while seeing all these pretty girls and boys walking from pub to pub.
Dressed up for the night, most of them I must say, and the question I’ve had returns to me. Why?
I understand that we all have different reasons, that we all see it in different ways.
In my mind I would think it has something to do with impressing the opposite gender, or the same gender for that matter, whatever you are into. To show off ones best sides.
Why? Well, the basics says to find a mate. For life or for that night, again, whatever you are into.
This is not my question or the thought that crossed my mind. What I’m saying is why are we showing off our best sides just one or two nights a week? Why are we, as a female, using our best makeup, pretty clothes and awesome hair skills just because we are going to the pub? Why not while we go to Costa for a coffee? Or while we go food shopping? Or both? Why not imply it as a everyday thing?  ..effort probably. But why wouldn’t you want to look and feel your best on a everyday basis? Why are we dressing up for alcohol?

I get questions and hints from time to time that I make a little bit to much effort when it comes to makeup on a everyday basis. I like doing my makeup, sometimes I do it twice in one day just for the sheer pleasure of it. I tend to use colors and have a smokey eye with a pop of color as my everyday makeup. Only because I like it, my eyes are one of the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen and I think my makeup shows them off in a really cool way.
I work as a chef so I need to have my hair up at work, so I like to use different hairbands. Not just because they are pretty, also so they will keep my hair away during work. I obviously have chef whites I work in, so when it comes to clothes to and from work I’m pretty basic, just sitting in my car anyway and as I get home it’s comfy trousers all the way!

But what I’m trying to say is that I tend to get questioned about why I’m making such an effort on an everyday basis, “You’re just a chef, no one will see you in that kitchen.”
When I explain that I don’t do it to show off to others, just doing it for myself, I get rolling eyes and a slight shake of a head.
Not that it matters to me what others think, but I do find it interesting that I can’t look pretty at work but if I go out drinking alcohol at the pub no one would question my choices.